Mittens Fernwhisker-Pluckington III Announces "The Curtains, Vertically" World Tour

After two years of self-imposed seclusion behind the couch, Mittens Fernwhisker-Pluckington III is finally ready to return to the stage. The reclusive feline composer announced this morning — via a single, deliberate paw-print on a half-finished crossword — that she will embark on her first international tour, titled The Curtains, Vertically, beginning this June.

The 17-date run will take Mittens from the dim corner of her own kitchen to several rooms she has only previously seen in photographs. Each performance will feature her acclaimed live arrangement of Songs from the Radiator, the experimental jazz suite Three Suspicious Pigeons, and a brand-new piece reportedly composed entirely by walking across a keyboard at 4:12 in the morning.

A new chapter, slightly to the left

Sources close to the cat — namely, the houseplant — describe the tour as a "creative reawakening." Mittens has spent the last eighteen months in a period she refers to only as "the Big Nap," during which she produced no new material but did successfully knock a candle into a fruit bowl on twelve separate occasions. Critics are calling the comeback "long-awaited" and "honestly, kind of unhinged."

The new show promises a more theatrical experience than her previous tours. Anonymous sources at the rehearsal space confirm the staging will include a full string section of bewildered house sparrows, a working radiator imported from the artist's home for "tonal authenticity," and at least one moment in which Mittens appears to forget the audience is there entirely.

"She's not performing for us. She's performing near us. There's a difference, and we are lucky to witness it." — The houseplant